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Chapter 7x: Hagiography

The clear condition for this chapter reads “Find a way to defeat the creator.”

Opening

(The group stands before an ornate throne in a crystal palace.)
kyra
Where are we now?
demeter
Oh, no...
kyra
Something the matter?
demeter
It's just, this is where that guy lives...
Just some guy who thinks he's the big deal.
I'd rather we didn't have to deal with him, so...
elias
I think he's the one in charge of the next trial, actually.
demeter
What? Oh, c'mon! She's feeling extra sadistic this time, is she...
???
...Mwahahahahahaha...
kyra
That his evil cackle?
demeter
Mmhmm... Oh, what a bother this is going to be...
elias
Careful, Kyra! Here he comes!
(A man teleports in facedown on the floor before getting up and taking the throne.)
reuben?
(smirking) Hahahaha! It is I! The creator!
The creator... of this entire existence!
You are beholden to my imagination!
kyra
Hey, I remember him! I know him!
We killed you in Flintshire, right?
You were the world's creator all along?
Dang. Didn't expect a god to hide among men like that.
reuben?
(scowls) Fool! I know not who you speak of, nor do I have anything to do with him whatsoever!
I mean, please! A god, masquerading as a human?
How asinine is that?!
demeter
(smiles) Yeah! Very silly!
kyra
But... You look exactly like him.
(Ruben huffs.)
Ruben
Why, you insolent little...!
(Ruben adopts a mad, bug-eyed grin.)
ruben
Gwahahahah! And now? Do I look like him now?!
kyra
...Yeah? You're just making a dumb face.
(Ruben huffs.)
ruben
Hmph! Nevermind!
You have prevailed against the Trial of the Heart...
And now, you face the Trial of the Mind!
The trial is simple. You must solve my maze of horrors,
or forever be trapped here for eternity evermore!'

(Ruben cackles.)

Baaahaahaahaahaahaa! You'll never leave here!

kyra
A maze. Okay.
Sounds weirdly easy, but sure, why not.
elias
Things around here are never as simple as they seem.
The “horrors” he mentioned are likely to attack us.
We'll have to figure it out before we are overrun...
kyra
(smiles) Bah. If it's the same kind of horrors they threw at Alastor, we're going to be neither horrified nor overrun.
And besides, we're together now! Who could beat us?
elias
(smiles) Yeah... You're totally right, Kyra!
Let's go get 'em!
demeter
Yay!
(Ruben warps everyone into his maze of horrors, which is stalked by twisted clones of characters from the mainline Fire Emblem games.)

Reinforcement Summon

ruben
Hahahaha! Having fun?
You'll never win!
You will be lost in this sandbox forever!
Ahahahahahahaha!

When a unit escapes the maze

ruben
(scowls) What?! How did you escape my maze of horrors?!
You... You... How dare you?!

(grins) Wahahaha! No problem! But a minor setback!
You'll never reach me! This is where your adventure ends!
You fools will pace these wall-less halls FOREVER!!

(Ruben summons a wall of Morgan clones.)

Conversations

Ruben

Combat

ruben
Only fools would rebel against he who controls their fate.

(Ruben jumps.)

Bow before my almighty power and peerless skills!

Combat w/ Demeter

ruben
Demeter!!
You may fancy yourself so great and powerful,
but I am your creator! I am better than you!
demeter
(smiles) You really don't need to try so hard.
We all appreciate you. No need to put on airs.
ruben
(scowls) Don't patronize me!
I could remove you from existence if I wanted!

...But you're like, top 10 most popular Hag characters.
At worst. So I can't do that.

demeter
Aww, people like me? That's so sweet of them.
Tell them I love them too, would you?
ruben
(grins) Hahaha! I will show you the full power
of he who created you! Bow before me!!
demeter
The power to poorly format battle quotes, you mean?
ruben
Shut
up!

Combat w/ Delilah

delilah
(smiles) Hmm? Oh, if it isn't... er, you.
How good to see you. Come, follow along.
ruben
Who do you think you are to give me orders?
I am the one who granted you existence, worm!
delilah
(frowns) ...Are you not one of my knight commanders?
You know, the one Kyra murdered horribly.
ruben
Oh! Oh, no, that was Reuben.
Totally different guy.
He was nothing, meanwhile I am the creator of all!
delilah
......
(smiles) My. Someone's conceited.
ruben
(scowls) Conceited?! How... How dare you!
I will wipe you out of creation!

Combat w/ Sandy

ruben
You're my favorite.
sandraudiga
I understand. I'm my favorite too.

Combat w/ López

ruben
Ahh, the most popular character in the hack!
It shall be my pleasure to test my might against you!
Not that you stand a chance against me!
To you, I am God!
López
You asshole! You're the one who made me smelly!
ruben
I had no choice.
I didn't know how to make Despoil 100% guaranteed.
I had a skill that made proc skills guaranteed, but...
I couldn't simply plop it on you! That'd be stupid!
So I put a disguise on it! Brilliant!
López
Wait... Is that it?
Is that why I'm cursed with this foul smell?
Because you were incompetent?!
ruben
I prefer to say limitation breeds creativity.
Also, it's funny.
López
You dick! I'll kick your butt!
ruben
You? Don't make me laugh!
I am the creator, little stinky jester!
You cannot possibly injure me!

Defeat

ruben
(scowls) H-How... how can this... be...?!
I am... the creator... I... can't lose... to my own...

(grins) Hahaha! Imbeciles! I am the creator!
If I cannot win... Then I'll just have to cheat!

After Ruben is defeated

(Ruben teleports to an unreachable location above the throne and gives himself the following item.)

Dev Torch
It keeps you from being able to beat me. What now, fools?! Hahahaha!
(Boosts all defensive stats by 100.)

ruben
What now, lowly pests?! What now?!
I am invincible! There's no way out anymore!
You can't even seize the throne! I've made sure of it!
Face it. Your sad little struggle ends by my superior intellect!
Hehehehe... Hahahahahahahahahaha!

After the throne is destroyed

(Destroying the throne also destroys the entire map, leaving everyone in a black void.)
ruben
(normal expression) ......
Okay, fine. If you're going to be like that, I don't wanna play anymore.
You win. Kudos. Run along now. Or what, you want a little fanfare?
You want cake? A party? Should I put on a little dance number for you?
Oh, I know! A fancy little sign that says “congratulations!”
Here you go! I hope you choke on it!
(A “Congratulations!” message appears.)

Ending

kyra
Answer me a question, Demeter. I need to know.
Was that guy truly the creator of our reality?
demeter
How would you feel if he was?
kyra
...I don't know, is he?
demeter
I dunno.
How should I know? Why are you asking me?
kyra
C'mon, Demeter. Don't be like that.
demeter
(smiles) I think some questions are best left unanswered.
Satisfied? If not, I can say I'll tell you later!
kyra
Oh, why'd I even bother...
elias
Whew... Hey, Kyra.
Was it always this way when you fought?
kyra
Well, it wasn't nearly as weird.
...Usually. It got pretty weird a couple times.
elias
No, I mean... I'm a little tired.
Despite the robot, and not being sick anymore, technically.
Isn't that strange?
kyra
Nah. That's what violence does to you.
Ugly, ugly business. I never would've wanted it for you.
elias
Hmm... Well, still, I'll admit.
(smiles) I'm having fun! Maybe it's because I'm with you.
I don't have to worry about anything thanks to you.
kyra
(smiles) Haha... Honestly, I'm still getting used to it.
Seeing you look so full of energy, moving about...
I'm glad I had the opportunity to see this.
This might turn out to be a good dream, after all.
elias
Mm... Let's enjoy it to the fullest while it lasts.
kyra
(frowns) ...What's a robot, though?
elias
(serious) Hmm? Oh! It's what they called this moving armor they gave me.
(smiles) Rad word, isn't it?
kyra
(smiles) Oh yeah. Super rad.
demeter
Extremely groovy, if I do say so myself.
elias
(frowns) Uhm... Demeter, nobody uses that word anymore.
demeter
That's wrong. I do, and I'm not nobody. I'm special!
kyra
Y-You sure are, Demeter. You sure are.
plato
(smiling) Welcome, welcome! Welcome, everyone, to...
Pluto and Plato's Placid Pcomedic Platitude!
A stand-up show for the ages, featuring yours truly and bro!
pluto
Plato, you idiot! Persiflage was right there...!
plato
(frowns) No one's ever heard of that word before.
(smiles) Anyway! Let's begin the barrel of laughs with a classic!

Hey, Ploo! Knock knock!

pluto
Can we just cut to the part where they throw vegetables at us?
plato
It's your virginity! I want back in!

(Plato guffaws.)

Ahahahahahahahaha! Get it? Get it?!
The joke's that my bro's rizz is so strong, his virginity wants back in!

pluto
Y-You...!

(Pluto becomes agitated.)

That's not even FUNNYYYYYYYY!!

pericles
(smiles) Hah hah hah hah hah! Ahh hah... Ohh, mercy...!
plato
Well, he seems to disagree!
What do you have to say now, Ploo?
Maybe you should apologize to the master of comedy?
pericles
(So, Agari... Either of them catch your fancy?)
(They both seem like perfectly good men.)
(And they're funny, to boot!)
agari
(Can we go now, Dad...?)
plato
All right! Now, for the next back-breaking bit...
Picture a knight and a pauper going into a bar.
ofelia
...No, no! Stop the show! This isn't right!
plato
(scowls) How dare you interrupt the Blood Demon's stand-up session?!
ofelia
You're an improv duo! You're supposed to bounce off of each other!
You're just hogging the mic and leaving your poor brother in the shadows!
That's just not how this works! Is this your first time or what?
plato
Well, no. Often I'd make ends meet with my comedy when I didn't get jobs.
Which was basically all the time. No one ever hires me.
ofelia
I'm guessing you didn't have your brother at your side those times?
It shows. You're clearly not used to sharing the spotlight.
(Plato balks.)
plato
Wha-- But I even cracked that joke to make him look good and everything!
ofelia
It was embarrassing and the man is blatantly a virgin.
No, no, this won't do at all... Come, let me give you some pointers.
plato
I thought you were an actress.
ofelia
Stand-up comedy is a lot like acting, when you think about it.
...That, and uncultured boors cannot appreciate a fine drama.
(narrows eyes) Sometimes I'd have to debase myself with stunts much like this... Bleh.
plato
(closes eyes) I shall listen intently, my master.
ofelia
First things first, we must get you a funny hat...
(They leave.)
pericles
W-Wait! Don't go yet!
Would you be interested in marrying my daughter?
At least think about it...!
(Pericles runs after them.)
pluto
......
agari
Well, I'm never living this down.
pluto
Look on the bright side.
If you marry my brother, we can work together to shoulder the shame.
agari
Or maybe we can work together to hide the bodies.
(Pluto starts.)
pluto
(smiles) W-Whoa! Haha, you go too far...
agari
(smiles) Y-Yeah, sorry... I've actually got a bit of a messed up sense of humor.
Kept some bad companies in school. You know how it is...
pluto
N-Not really. I never had many friends in school...
I thought that was a good one, though.
Certainly funnier than anything my brother and I could manage.
(Agari moves closer.)
agari
Hehe... I'm Agari. Which one are you, Pluto or Plato?
(Pluto moves closer.)
pluto
P-Pluto. I guess you can call me Ploo if you like...
agari
Haha, okay...
pluto
Heh...
narrator
Support Lv... increased...?

(Pluto and Agari gain C-rank support with each other.)

Character Descriptions

Ruben
The extremely evil creator of the hack. He hates it when people are happy and children are alive.

Necromancer
If I ever become rich, I'm definitely buying a cape like that so I can twirl it around all dramatic-like.

Morgan
A really memorable man.

Eirika
Isn't she pretty?
God i love evil women

Roy
I may have gone a bit too far in a few places.

Explaining the Joke

This is a reference to Saint Rubenio's first hack, Fire Emblem: Eckesachs, where Roy is a villain who goes insane. Rubenio expressed some self-awareness that this was an extreme decision in the hack's description, stating, “I may have gone a bit too far in a few places.”

Seth
This was actually the result of a really emotional and impactful plot thread, I'll have you know.

Gwyllgi
Savage, three-headed hellhounds. Their fangs are cruel death dealers.

Garon
Rebellions are like seeds. One must salt the earth before they sprout.

Hayden
Don't trust the lack of grin - this man is the most deranged of everyone here.
Except Ruben. Ruben's worse.

Explaining the Joke

This is a reference to another hack of Saint Rubenio's, Fire Emblem: Dark Stone, where Hayden is rewritten to be a sociopathic villain.